Birthing Babies Out of the Butt

Apparently the geniuses at the prenatal companies have finally gotten around to adding stool softeners to prenatal vitamins. Of course they would come out with this after I've sworn off ever getting pregnant again. No one told me when I got pregnant that I would have massive, compacted poop when I was pregnant. It got especially worse when traveling in the car, so no trip was complete without spending thirty minutes in the bathroom when we arrived at our destination. I didn't know about Dulcolax or Colace. Instead, I gave myself hemorrhoids from trying to birth poo babies. I had heard faint echoes of constipation after delivery, so I started taking Colace after delivery. I think I cried. Everyone worries about pooping on the table during delivery. I say (now), go for it! It'll help immensely later since it won't be a dire need immediately after you've stretched all of your muscles out in that area, leaving you weak as a kitten in your poo capabilities.

The first time around, my hemorrhoids shrunk down to what is known as a vein tag, meaning the vein had a little bubble in it where it stretched out too far and wouldn't quite shrink back. It wasn't a hemorrhoid because it wasn't filled with blood and had no symptoms. It was just there. (Smaller than a pencil eraser). Then with my second kid, the pencil eraser went to giant ass-pillow status from almost the start of the pregnancy. It didn't bother shrinking, so at my 6 week postpartum checkup with the OB, I asked for a referral to a colorectal surgeon. So then I embarked on that painful journey that is anal surgery. All I can say is yes, I am glad I had it because I was not comfortable having my husband see this thing on my sphincter for the rest of our lives - BUT(T!) -  I don't ever want to go through it again. It takes about 3 weeks to heal and is crazy painful, like needles stabbing your anus every time you go to the bathroom. For three weeks or more. I had saved the Dermoplast spray that they give you in the hospital after delivery, so I basically had numb lady parts for a month.


(Also pooing on the table is not the most disgusting thing to happen during labor. My husband and mother both swear it is the mucus. White globs of mucus (as part of what is known as lochia) can look like pus streaming out. Gross!)